Beaupedia

Man Under Construction

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Quotes for Posterity Digest

“I’m going to shit myself.” – Me
“Me too.” – Leah
“I wish I could shit myself…I really need to poop.” – Carmen

Yeah, some people are still waiting for their bodies to figure things out.

 

“Hookers are people too!” – Carmen

 

“Why do I have to be your bitch? Why cant I be a ho?” – Leah

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F**k Insurance

So, originally I started this post because someone else here was having insurance issues, but now, I’m the one in the crosshairs of my insurance company. I found out on Friday afternoon that ERC is beginning to get some push back from my insurance company after only four weeks of treatment. There will be a review of my case on Monday and that quite possibly could be my last day in PHP.

Thanks a lot Aetna and Magellan Health Services for reminding us all that yes, you are a profit motivated industry and our health is secondary.

Friday was a difficult day even without the insurance development, as I had to say goodbye to my friend Lacy. She and I became quite close over our time together here and I view her as a little sister. Her insurance wouldn’t even cover the treatment at all, so her parents had been paying out of pocket, and did so for as long as they could. Immense respect to them for that.

Before Lacy left on Friday I had a great time hanging out with her and Leah on Thursday night getting Lacy’s first tattoo. It was every bit as odd and eccentric as someone’s first tattoo experience should be and her tattoo turned out beautifully.

Love you Lacy! You’ve got the tools, now live the life you were meant to live!

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Help me raise the money needed for my treatment.

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Moving Forward

Still struggling with grief over Jesse, but able to focus more on my recovery today. I did however have my first real battle with behaviors tonight, and unfortunately it was a battle I lost. I’ll be honest with my treatment team, and I know it’s not the end of the world, but it does suck.

Today was a challenging day, and was setup to be that way. We were all asked and encouraged to wear something outside of our comfort zone throughout the day if we could, but at least in our Body Appreciation group. For me, that was a gray t-shirt.

I love shirt.woot.com shirts and have tons of them, but I generally only buy black, brown or dark blue shirts. I have a couple green shirts that I wear occasionally, but I never, ever wear the gray one. Until today. It was uncomfortable, “Black is thinning” and all that stuff running through my head, but I did it. I had a backup shirt in my locker just in case, but I never needed it. Success for the day!

In the shitty news column, Nora got news that her insurance has stopped covering her treatment. Immediately. No warning, no heads up, no time for the team at ERC to appeal, nothing. Her final day is today. And that’s just fucking bullshit.

I could rant about the state of healthcare in the U.S. for hours, so I’ll just summarize my thoughts. When the system is setup so that our health versus profits, our health will always lose. If you see a problem with this, stop fucking voting Republican. It’s really pretty simple. It’s a complicated issue, yes, but holy shit, don’t vote for the people who put profits above your or your loved ones’ health. Period. Political rant over.

In the awesome news column, Emma will be coming back from inpatient tomorrow! Woo! So proud of the hard work she has done and will be so thrilled to see her return.

In other awesome news, I’ve been joined in Level 3 by two lovely ladies, Leah and Jade. It’s fantastic having them around to share meals with and they inspire me daily with their commitment to recovery and their continued perseverance.

I’m having trouble thinking about my Process Group (those of us with the same primary therapist) without Nora, especially for it to come about like this. Such. Bull. Shit. All is not lost however and I have to send huge gratitude to the remainder of my Process Group for their authenticity, their veracity, and their unbounded support for me and each other. Carmen, Lacy, Libby, Emily, and of course Laura, thank you. I can’t imagine a better group to be on this journey with.

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Help me raise the money needed for my treatment.

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Back To Earth

After nearly two weeks of being super positive and completely optimistic, I think I got my first heavy dose of reality tonight. My friend Ariel is leaving the program, against medical advice.

I had the wind knocked out of me when I heard. She started a day after me and I’ve grown to really see her as a friend and a steady source of support. It just sucks.

I wish I could say she’s the only one, but she’s not. Terry will also be leaving this week, against medical advice.

I’m struggling to separate my concern for them from my own recovery and not let it get in the way of my progress.

A little emotional meltdown on my couch and a phone call with Carmen have helped to get my mind back where it needs to be, but fuck, this sucks.

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Family, Community, and the Zen Room

Well, I’m sitting in what I have named the “Zen Room” with Jade and Nora. It’s where I start writing most of my posts before eventually finishing them at home. It operates as a second lounge and the art room during the day, but between 5 and 6 PM I lower all of the blinds, turn off the lights and turn on Dish Network’s Earth channel (a 24 hour live satellite image of the earth with calming music playing). It’s incredibly relaxing!

The view from my favorite “Zen Room” chair.

Now that I’m all Zenified, I guess I can talk about yesterday. I had my first family session, and I was a nervous wreck leading up to it. My family therapist Allison is awesome, but I was really not very optimistic about the conversation with my Mom. I ended up being entirely wrong, and we had an amazing conversation. My Mom was fully supportive and even talked about some of her own  struggles in the past. Hearing that really was a game changer for me in terms of my connection with her through this process. Huge success.

We had our Community meeting yesterday as well; thankfully we didn’t have anymore goodbyes, we’ve had enough of those for a bit. People were open and honest, expressed their concerns, their struggles, and their successes. I always benefit from the entire community coming together and being real with each other. It’s one of the meetings I look forward to.

Today is my therapist’s Birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her if she’s reading this, as I suspect she probably is.

Oh, and one last thing. A success for me, I’ve been moved to Level 3! Basically I get to sit at a table without “adult supervision” and at lunch we get to serve ourselves from the buffet with guidance from our dieticians. We have more freedom and flexibility overall, and best of all, we get to participate in cooking classes. I am really excited about those.

Well, it’s dinner time, and I’ve been half-assed writing this post for two days, so it’s time to hit “Publish”.

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Help me raise the money needed for my treatment.

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