This week I find myself saying goodbye to two more friends. Ashley Bryan and Nicole Ferency both lost their battles with eating disorders and depression this week. Ashley died on October 1st, and Nicole last night (October 4th) in Denver after leaving the ERC for the day.

I am stunned. Even typing this, I feel like I don’t know what to say, but I feel like I need to get it out.

Ashley was 26 years old and I got to know her over my first couple of weeks at the ERC. She was a warrior, she was committed to recovery, and she was everyone’s biggest cheerleader. My heart breaks for her husband and family. At the ERC we all have primary therapists, and the patients who share the same primary therapist form what we call a Process Group. We meet three times a week for an hour and 15 minutes, talk about how we’re feeling, and provide support to each other. My particular Process Group is extremely close, and Ashley was a part of our group until she graduated from treatment. The loss has been almost too much too process. Still can’t believe she is gone.

 

 

 

Nicole was 35 years old and had been battling her eating disorder and severe depression for a very long time. She and I bonded when she found out that I was gay and wanted to open a dialogue and get to know me better in hopes that our friendship would help her connect with her gay father. I am so sad that we won’t be able to have anymore of those conversations. She was so genuine and open when she approached me with that request. Her desire to feel like her family was whole again was of so much importance to her. She spoke of her family often, and I am devastated thinking about all of them. I am planning to find a way to attend her funeral on Monday. What a beautiful person, what a loss.

The mood around the ERC right now feels pretty similar to a funeral home. It’s just too much to take in. The staff are all stunned, but doing an amazing job being available to us. The CEO of the center has been in this field for 33 years and has not lost a patient at this level of treatment. It just isn’t a normal thing. This week is just overwhelming.

 

I originally intended to blog a little update about my insurance issues, so, I will briefly. I am no longer in the PHP program and am now in Transitional Intensive Outpatient (4 hours a day vs 12) because my insurance company has chosen to disregard the medical advice of my treatment team in favor of their profits. My doctors fought extremely hard for me, but they were unable to get more time for me. My insurance, Magellan Health Services, contracted by my primary provider Aetna, would rather see me relapse, continue with an eating disorder, or even die, before cutting into their profits any further.

I won’t go on a political rant, but this is why healthcare should not be for profit. I’m a negative on a balance sheet to them, and my life is meaningless. Before she died, Nicole’s insurance had just denied her an increased level of care as well. Fuck you health insurance. You’re scum, and we’re idiots to allow and vote for such a system to exist.

 

I’m a whirlwind of emotions right now. I miss my friends, I wish I had been there to remind them how loved they were before they made the decision, and I just wish I could remove all the pain from all of the people grieving these losses. We will get through this. I will get through this, and I will live a rich and meaningful life. I just wish that Nicole, Ashley, Jesse, and Dustin were all living it with me.

Goodnight sweet friends.

 

 

  • http://www.facebook.com/MatthewLinoMartinez Matt Martinez

    I’m sorry Beau

    • http://www.beaupedia.org Beaupedia

      Thank you Matt, I appreciate your comment. We really should get together soon, I miss you man.

  • http://www.facebook.com/cwikselaar Coby Wikselaar

    What a beautifully written post, I have no words.

    • http://www.beaupedia.org Beaupedia

      Thank you Coby. I am glad we had time to share together with her.

  • Angie P.

    I used to work at the ERC and I knew Nicole, I am sorry to have read that she has passed. She will be missed.

    • http://www.beaupedia.org Beaupedia

      Angie, thank you for your comment. Anyone who has been a part of the ERC is a hero in my eyes, I am so glad that you got to work with her. Yes, she will be sorely missed.

  • SMC

    Hi Beau,
    I used to work with Nicole and have been through a lot of her battles with her. However, we have been out of touch this last year. I was so stunned when I got the call today. I searched her name looking for more information and found this. I love the way you talk about her and glad she had you in her life. I too wish that she hadn’t made that choice….she was a beautiful person and will be missed.
    Good Luck on your own road and thanks for a beautiful note about my old friend.
    I will be there on Monday as well….
    Sheila C

    • http://www.beaupedia.org Beaupedia

      Sheila, I am so surprised to be getting comments from others in Nicole’s life, but I am so glad to hear from you. Nicole was wonderful, she meant so much to so many, as is evident by the people commenting here and on Facebook. I am glad you reached out, and so sorry for your loss.

  • Heather

    Hi Beau -
    Nicole and I were in the same sorority in college and we sisters have just found out as well. Thank you for your blog as it brings us a bit closer to understanding where Nicole was in her life right now. I live on the east coast so I won’t be able to be there tomorrow but I am so grateful for your post and will be thinking of her, her family and you tomorrow. Thanks again. It means alot.
    Heather

  • Kristina

    Hi Beau. I know we don’t know each other but I was at ERC with Nicole in 2010 and I want to thank you for this beautiful post. My heart aches for my ERC family and what they have gone through the last week. I continue to recover and will live for Nicole and all those who have lost this battle.

  • angie

    Did you see Dr. Phil yesterday, I was about Anorexia and Depression and Suicide, it was informative.

  • Jenny

    I wish that I had stayed in touch with Ashley but we were both extremely sick with our diseases. She was such a sweetheart. I understood her pain and am so sad to learn that she took her life. Ashley – Rest in peace and know that you were loved by many. Also, all my best to you Beau as you continue your journey through recovery and living a life worth living. You deserve and can have happiness and peace in your life. All my best, Jenny

  • Michelle

    I was Nicole’s roommate a few years back – she was a treasured friend of mine. I just found this today after trying to contact her for the last month. Explains why she wasn’t responding… I’m heartbroken to read of her passing. Please reach out to me if you can – christmichelle@gmail.com

  • Rebecca

    Nicole was my roommate on ip/res for 6 weeks, and my best friend at erc. Her death hit me hard. I miss her so much it hurts. I miss walking past the fireplace room and seeing her knit hats. I’d learned to read her mood by the cadence of those knitting needles. i miss checking in with each other. We were planning on getting together regularly when we finished treatment. Thank you so much for posting this. It helps to see shes not forgotten.